Before our daughter was born nine weeks early, everything I knew about the neonatal intensive care unit was from an episode of Boy Meets World. Although “Boy” is one of my longtime comfort shows, the episode with Cory’s baby brother in the NICU is one I always avoided rewatching. Ugh, way too sad, I’d say as I skipped past it. Little did I know that, one day, the NICU would become my whole world for six weeks. And you can’t just skip past the way-too-sad parts of your life.
The NICU is a part of the hospital for infants who are born prematurely or have other health issues. Just thinking about it can still make me ugly cry sometimes. I saw a clip from the cartoon Rugrats recently that showed a flashback of Tommy Pickles as a preemie in an incubator and SOBBED. Will I be like this forever? I don’t know. Maybe? Being a NICU parent is a very emotionally charged experience. A lot of well-meaning people (and one or two buttholes) have made comments that honestly reduced me to tears. So, here’s my PSA for the day: Be extra kind to those new moms and dads of NICU babes, and maybe think twice before saying any of these things below.
“At least you didn’t have to experience real labor.” Every birth story is unique and no birthing experience is any more “real” than another. It’s not the state fair; there’s no blue ribbon for delivering the biggest baby. Honestly, delivering a 3-pound baby without the epidural I’d planned on has been the most painful physical experience of my life to date. Don’t pooh-pooh anyone’s pain. Big baby or small, vaginal birth or C-section, painkillers or no, any woman who makes another human with her body is a freaking badass.
“When’s the baby coming home from the hospital?” This is a question I heard a million times and it hurt to keep answering “I don’t know.” The reminder sort of undercut any small wins we’d had that day, like a decent weight gain or trying a bottle for the first time. We didn’t even find out when our daughter was coming home until the day before. Just ask how the baby is doing—the parents will surely shout it from the rooftops once they know when their little one is coming home!
“At least you can go home and get some rest while the baby’s in the NICU.” Seriously, how well-rested is anybody with a loved one in the hospital? Plus, a lot of moms to NICU babies are still waking up every 2-3 hours to pump breast milk. When I did manage to sleep at night, I’d have these sweaty nightmares about being hooked up to wires and tubes. In my experience, having a newborn who’s being cared for in the NICU is still exhausting, but with a lot less baby snuggles.
“It’s not a big deal.” Having an infant in the NICU is a very traumatic experience, regardless of how long the stay or how sick the baby is. Everyone has dreams about what their pregnancy and time as a brand new parent will look like, and having them ripped away hurts. Not being able to hold your child hurts. Seeing your kid hurting hurts. Missing out on some of the celebratory things you had planned, like maternity photos, can hurt. Also, time is relative. As Einstein once said, “Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour.” (Or, as Hanson once said, “When the minutes seem like hours and the hours seem like days / Then a week goes by–you know it takes my breath away.”)
“You’re being way too paranoid about germs.” Seriously, don’t touch any babies without asking first, but especially a baby who’s been in the NICU. Many of them have weak immune systems that aren’t strong enough to handle your germs yet. If parents are being cautious, trust that it’s with good reason and under the advice of the baby’s doctor. Please be respectful if the parents aren’t letting people hold their baby yet, if they request that you wash your hands or wear a mask to interact with their child, or if they just need to take a break from social gatherings for a while.
What to Say Instead:
Personally, I would just ask how everyone is doing and if the parents need anything. You could let them know you’re there if they need to talk, or offer to bring over a meal. If you have the means, a gift card for gas or food would probably be appreciated since the parents may have a long commute to the hospital each day and very little time to cook. You could also help by gifting some preemie clothes or diapers, since even the most prepared new parents likely don’t have those things on hand.
I once told a therapist that I was going to a funeral and didn’t know what to say to the person’s family. She told me that the most important thing you can do is to show up. That seems like pretty solid advice for most situations in life. So, please do be mindful of what you say, but don’t let the fear of saying the wrong thing stop you from showing up. When in doubt, just show up.
Let me know if you have anything to add!
